Am I Going Crazy?
“If you are sure you understand everything that is going on, you are hopelessly confused.”
Walter Mondale
“Am I going crazy?” In all my years as a grief counselor, this is the most often asked question and, I’m afraid to say this but, yes, to some extent, grief makes you feel like you’re going crazy. The second most asked question is, “Am I normal?”. And I can say that, yes, you are normal. Feeling like you’re going crazy is normal in grief. The experience of grief is so radically different from our everyday reality that it is surreal at times.
I once counseled an elderly lady who used to make a hot chocolate for herself and her husband every evening an hour or so before bed. Her husband had died a year previously, but she still made two cups of hot chocolate most nights. She didn’t do it consciously and she knew it was more than an old habit. Somewhere in her subconscious mind, her husband was still alive and in need of a hot chocolate. At times it upset her, at times it confused her but often it made her feel closer to him.
Her friends and family thought she was losing her mind and were worried about her. They thought she should see a grief counselor. And so it was that she came to me. Together we talked out her grief and I normalized her nightly ritual by helping her to understand that it was helping her to integrate the death. She wasn’t going crazy! Her instinct to continue to make two drinks instead of one was very normal, and in grief, learning to follow your instincts is the best way forward.
You may be experiencing thoughts and feelings that seem crazy because they are so unusual to you, but what is unusual in life is often usual in grief.
In the early stages of grief, you can feel completely out of sorts – possibly you lash out at people, cry over everything, forget where you put things, only to discover them later in some bizarre location. But, over time, you begin to only feel a bit odd every now and then.
You may experience the “face in the crowd” syndrome. You think you have seen the one you lost or heard their voice or smelled their perfume or cologne. This happens at home or in public places. You may wake up at night and swear you sensed their presence in the room or heard them call your name. You think you’re going crazy but hesitate to share the experience with others for fear of what they might think. This experience is more common than most people realize and can last for a couple of years.
It isn’t just the loss of a loved one that is so painful. It is also all the other losses that occur because he or she has died; the way the person lived, talked, walked, loved, ate, slept, worked—all areas are affected. Often the death of the loved one brings up more than grief for what has been lost; it also brings up what the person never had and never will have.
In many respects, there is the loss of the present as well as the future. This especially affects relationships. A death can put distance in some relationships or draw together and connect others in a greater intimacy than before. Death can be a wedge or a source of confusion. You may feel disconnected with others, alienated, and you may tend to withdraw, which reinforces those feelings. This can lead to a belief that “others just don’t understand,” which is often the case.
The problem is, grief doesn’t come alone, it brings with it – numbness, shock, sadness, despair, anxiety, loneliness, isolation, depression, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, sleepiness or sleeplessness, fatigue, stress, guilt, regret, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, fear, frustration, ruminating, detachment – and that’s only to name a few!
Grief is such a surreal sensation that it sends you in search of something familiar. You might look to your primary support system, your family and friends, but they can seem changed as well; some of them avoid you now, some completely dote on you, some are grieving in ways you don’t understand, and some are critical of the way you are handling things. Thing is, everyone is searching for their own new normal.
The first few weeks and months are hazy. You wander around in a daze. You wake up many mornings thinking that maybe it was all just a bad dream, and you muddle through the days trying to make sense of life without your loved one. It seems absurd that the world keeps on turning completely unaware of your tragedy. Unfortunately, most grievers can’t escape their duties for long – parent, employer, employee, bill payer and now you must take on new roles and duties, the ones you inherited when your loved one died – mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, balancing the bank account, single parenting, closing social media accounts, closing bank accounts, dealing with insurance and utility bills, perhaps taking in grandchildren.
Even more disorienting is the emptiness felt by those who now have less responsibilities as a result of the loss. Perhaps you have spent the past year dealing with treatments and prescriptions, medical appointments and hospice. Now that these things are no longer necessary, your life as a caregiver has come to an end. You must begin reliving the rest of your ’normal’ life.
Perhaps, now, there’s no one to hurry out of bed or call down to breakfast. Life has changed forever, and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty. Friends don’t know what to say to you anymore and you don’t feel the same anymore. You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re questioning life’s meaning. You’re worried about alienating people by talking about your loved one and the death and you’re wondering if you are supposed to be getting better by now and it’s hard to find the beauty and joy in life.
These are all normal feelings. I know because I’ve experienced my own grief multiple times and I know because I’ve heard hundreds of other grievers talk about the same types of experiences. (If you’re worried that you are experiencing a psychological disorder like depression, anxiety, or PTSD – then please consult a mental health professional.
At some point, things should get a bit easier. That intense, unrelenting distress of acute grief will be replaced, in time, by less frequent moments of sadness, longing, anger, and frustration. There will still be bad days, but you will know things are getting better when those days are outnumbered by days that are okay, or even good.
That does not mean you are getting over it, or moving on, or forgetting them. You know you will never be the same and you begin to accept that you must integrate your loved one and your experiences and continue to live…a little bit wary, a little bit the wiser, and a little bit crazy!
The crazy feelings of grief are a sane response to grief.