In the early stages, after a bereavement, you will probably feel numb or, maybe, even nothing at all. Some people carry on as if nothing happened or occupy themselves with administrative tasks such as canceling personal accounts, changing bank accounts, changing social media accounts or organizing the funeral, whilst others are so bewildered that they go through their daily activities in a daze.
That initial shock, though, inevitably wears off, and reality sets in. This is when you can be taken aback by the depth of emotions you’re feeling. Some people feel a strong range of emotions from the beginning, but for others these feelings can take a while to develop.
The grief process is slow, and it needs to be, even though most people probably want to hurry it along. It will take longer than anyone has patience for. Time seems to stand still, especially at night; but the slowness of grief’s passage is a necessary thing.
Through grief, you express your feelings about the loss. Through grief, you express your protest at the loss, as well as your desire to change what happened and have it not be true. This is a normal response. Through grief, you express the effects that you have experienced from the devastating impact of the loss.
The first year, for most grievers, is an emotional roller coaster ride.
After the first year
People around you have usually gone back to normal, and you may feel like there’s less space for you to talk about your feelings.
There are dates like anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas and other festivities that can be very painful and even though a year has passed, you may feel the emotions as strongly as when the person first died.
It is important to remember that, in time, you will feel better and more able to cope. This doesn’t mean that you are ever completely over it, but that it is possible to start to find pleasure in life again, while still remembering and missing someone you have lost.
After several years
As time passes, most people find that they adapt to their grief and return to some semblance of normal life. Some experiences will still trigger your grief (such as certain movies, songs or smells), but you are likely to grow around these feelings and find space for other things in your life.
Lois Tonkin’s Growing around Grief metaphor is a helpful way of thinking about how long grief lasts. The grief doesn’t ever completely go away, and sometimes the feelings can be as intense as when someone first died. But, in time, the feelings come less often as you start to grow around your grief. This means that your life will start to have room for other things, and you’ll slowly return to doing the things that you enjoy. It isn’t that our grief eventually shrinks, it’s that we learn how to grow around it.
Give Yourself Permission
A long recovery does not mean you did or didn’t love as much as you thought you did. You will react to grief and recover from grief just like you react to all other things in life. You have your own timetable. Recovering may take years, or it may take much longer. There is no set timetable for grief recovery.
Problems can arise, though, when, not only do some people not give you the time to recover, but you, also, do not give yourself time to recover. You can be the greatest source of pressure.
You must give yourself permission to grieve. You are going to grieve whether you give yourself permission to do so or not. The difference is that if you do not give yourself permission, you will be in a state of war within yourself during your grieving. If you do give yourself permission, you can relax and not fight against yourself or your experience of grieving.
To fight against yourself only adds tension and hurt to the grief. To fight against yourself takes away energy that is desperately needed for steadying yourself in your grief. To fight against yourself can lead you to act as if you’re well long before you are well. Acting well is not the same as being well. By acting well, you will lengthen the experience of grief. You may even have a relapse later when acting well becomes too much to bear.
You give yourself permission to grieve when you recognise the need for grieving. Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of a loved one. It is not weakness. It is as natural as crying when you are in pain or sleeping when you are tired. It’s nature’s way of healing a broken heart.
When you are grieving, you are experiencing one of the most painful experiences of your life. What you are facing will leave you feeling vulnerable, exhausted and weak. The best response for you at this time is to focus on yourself and no one else. You need to care for yourself, and that is not selfish. Grieving is a time for convalescence.
Grief is not an enemy; it is the natural process of passing through pain. Let it happen.
Many people are going to try to fix you. But you don’t need to be fixed, because you’re not broken. Some are going to be impatient with your grieving. Remember, you are not grieving for anyone else to feel comfortable. It’s not for their benefit, but for yours. When you hear advice or suggestions or requests from others, just say that you need to think about it, and you will let them know.
It’s a polite way of saying no.
Don’t be concerned about hurting someone else at this time. The other individual may be grieving for the same person you lost, but the one you need to take care of right now is you. You’re probably struggling to muster enough energy for yourself. If you’ve always been the one that others always leaned on, then this will be a big adjustment for them, but a necessary one. You may need to receive the help of others rather than give help but consider carefully the offers of others to help you. You can easily end up feeling drained rather than replenished.
To reduce the pressure from others to have to explain what you are experiencing, you may want to print a card or letter to give out when others ask and, also, post it on your social media account.
Have you already heard the question, “Are you over it yet?” Or, even worse, have you been told, “Well, you should be over it by now!” You don’t get over grief, you learn to live with it. You learn to integrate it into your life and into the very fabric of your being.
Sometimes there are heightened periods of sadness that overwhelm us when we’re grieving—even years after the death. These times can seem to come out of nowhere and can be worrying and painful. Something as simple as a song, a sound, a smell or phrase can bring on these terrible pangs of grief.
In truth, you will always, for the rest of your life, feel some grief over this death. It will no longer dominate your life, but it will always be there, in the background, reminding you of the love you still have for the person who died.
If the people who are closest to you are unable to emotionally support you without judging you, look for others who can. Usually, the ability to be supportive without judging is most developed in people who have experienced grief themselves and are willing to be with you during this difficult time. When you are surrounded by people who can distinguish the misconceptions of grief from the realities, you can and will experience the healthier way of processing grief that you deserve.
- You will naturally grieve.
- Your grief will involve a wide variety of different thoughts and feelings.
- Your grief will impact you physically; emotionally; cognitively; socially; and even spiritually.
- You need to feel it to process it.
- Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less.
- Your grief will be unpredictable and will not likely progress in an orderly fashion.
- You don’t get over grief; you learn to live with it.
- You need other people to help you through your grief.
- You will not always feel this bad.